Reflection
I cannot be more thankful for the support from people I don't even know. Thank you so much. The last blog was written 10 days ago and originally started as a letter to my older brother but quickly developed into a deluge of my emotions.I've had a lot more time to process the trip to Portland and seeing Melanie again. Plus I got to talk to my therapist yesterday about the trip, so that helped shed light on what I'm feeling and thinking.
I realized once I was there why I was there. I know that sounds a little funny, but once I had the ticket in hand and it was a real thing, I wondered why it was so important. But once I got there and started spending time with her, I realized that it was important that we spend time together as friends. We've stayed friends these last two and half years, talking on the phone some, emailing, text messaging, etc., but in reality we'd never spent time together as friends. We started out romantically very early in knowing each other and this was the first time we've hung out where it wasn't about "us" as a couple. I needed that more than I realized or knew ahead of time.
Also it was important that this be on MY terms. I gave up so much for her, asking nothing in return all those years, but this was about what I wanted and needed. It wasn't about her. She didn't get to make this decision.
My therapist (Jenn) said it's okay that I'm really calloused about love right now. She said, "Remember, a callous may be rough and ugly, but it's there for a reason. It's there to protect us." Although at this point I never want to trust another woman with my heart, I know that's not who I am. I'm not a hard person. I'm not a cold person. I'm not unfeeling or bitter. I may have those aspects in my life at this moment, but the idea that that's who I'll become is pretty far fetched. Jenn said the time will probably come that the callous is gone, and yes the new skin underneath will be tender, but it won't happen until I'm ready for it. She has good analogies : ) I did give up so much, and do normally in relationships, but hopefully when the time comes to love again, I'll have learned how to do it better, how to be fully committed but fully myself as well.
Plus, damn I'm proud of myself! I knew what my biggest problem was with my depression and I freakin got on a plane and flew 3000 miles to confront it! In the past, I've been so stuck, that's the word I always used, and here was ACTION! I did something! How many people can say that about their situations?
So I'm proud of myself, Jenn is "overwhelmed" (as she put it) that I did something this amazing, and I've realized it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. It wasn't a mistake. I know that now.
Labels: portland reflection
posted by Jeremy W. Kerr @ 5:57 PM
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