understanding
She failed me.I moved to Alaska wanting commitment for the first time in a very long time. I saw the Future of Us and I wanted all of it. I wanted to work for it. I told her I would not go to AK if we were just going to break up again at the end of working up there. I see now that within 3 weeks of being up there, I understood she was making her own life again, a life without me really in it. If anything I was a bit player.
I'm beginning to get that I'm not 100% to blame. Sure, I have my faults, but as my therapist said today, "She ain't perfect either." I went up there with the desire to have an Us and do whatever it took to get there. She didn't. I see that now. Today was a breakthrough with that understanding. It takes two to make a relationship work...and she didn't work. She said she wanted us to go our separate ways because it "wasn't working" but now I see that she was the one who wasn't working on it.
I'm angry and pissed. She asked me up there as a security blanket, but arriving 3 weeks before I did, she realized she didn't really need that security. It was possible for her to make friends on her own and create her own place in the world up there. She didn't need me by her side. By the time I got to Alaska, I was obsolete.
So maybe we weren't "perfect" for each other, but no one is. No one is perfect. All relationships require give and take, working things out. She decided to call it quits instead of deciding to work.
You used me, Melanie, and knocked a hole in the trust that I put in you, in our future. That was a horrible thing to do someone who loved you so much. My therapist told me that although she normally doesn't recommend it, she thought I shouldn't push this anger aside yet, but to let it marinate and actually focus on it.
I think she's right.
posted by Jeremy W. Kerr @ 4:47 PM
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