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Standing on the Iceberg

I'm scared, I'm fearful, I'm depressed...and I miss the girl who left me 2 years ago. Two years and I don't feel any further along in my recovery than I was when she told me. My health has slowly been crashing down and I could be facing surgery soon to remove an abscess from under my right arm that won't respond to antibiotics. There are countless other physical problems and 90% of them trace their beginnings back to 2 years ago. I kid you not.

I'm still in love and it's destroying me. Destroying my physical wellbeing and my emotional wellbeing. I've stopped almost everything I used to enjoy mainly because I just don't care about things anymore. Apathy overwhelms me; it is my most commonly felt emotion: lack of emotion, lack of caring. I find myself on the iceberg that Janet Frame describes in her book Faces in the Water. People are standing on the shore, and my small section of ground has broken away, not a huge, quick separation, but a small crack that slowly spread...and then, before I knew it, I was no longer on the same land they were. My tiny island began slowly, almost imperceivably , drifting away. But it's cold here, and I'm numb...and I just stand here watching the shore get a little farther away every day. Now, before I even realized it, there's a large gulf between where I stand and the shore and the water is too cold to swim across. The shore is stable, but in a way, so is my floating island...as long as I don't move around too much. If I stay motionless, stationary, and quiet, I get the perception of stability, knowing full well that I'm actually sliding away on water, being pulled into the sea.

I'm not stupid; I have this understanding. I know that I'm drifting away and that the longer I wait to make a move, the farther I will be. But, again, I don't care. That's the amazing thing about a dominating feeling of apathy: it pervades everything.... Everything.

I'm tired of being in physical pain. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of missing her. I'm tired of not moving forward. I'm tired of drifting.

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posted by Jeremy W. Kerr @ 12:43 AM