from Portland
The following was written March 10, though that was nine days ago.Right now I'm in Portland, OR trying to bring closure concerning Melanie. She left me after Alaska in September of 2005. It's March 2008 and I've been emotionally stuck, for two and half years. I'm not sure if me holding on as much as I do is any healthier than my brother's letting go. Surely there is a better middle ground.
Carrie and I went our separate ways as far as a relationship is concerned in 1999. For the next three years I had no relationships with a girl that lasted more than two months. Part of that was because I moved so much with theatre, but part of that was because I wasn't ready. That changed in 2002 when I met Mel, though we didn't start dating until the summer of 2003. By the time I joined her in Alaska in May of 2005, I thought I had found my future. Never before had I wanted to commit to someone as much as I did her. I made moves to Wyoming, Pennsylvania, and Alaska for her, never asking her to do anything but love me. I did everything within my power to make sure it didn't end because we weren't in the same town.
Here it is two and a half years later and I've made a lot of progress as far as getting over the pain she caused me, but I'm still working on it. But the thing I realized today, after seeing her again last night, is that I've grown calloused and cynical to the idea of love. I was already getting to this point before Melanie asked me to Alaska, but her leaving me that last time is what finally closed me to emotion. I finally put into words today what I think I've been feeling for over two years: I never want to trust anyone with my heart again.
I don't have the deep friendships I used to have, I just have a lot of long-term acquaintances. And while I hate that I don't have extremely close friends, I don't want a relationship with a girl again. I know that I will refuse to open my heart to love someone.
I created this picture for my computer's background about an hour after writing the above thoughts. I'm not proud of where I am right now in my life, but it's where I am, all the same.
Labels: portland
posted by Jeremy W. Kerr @ 12:52 AM
2 Comments
